Ashes to ashes we all fall down

"When we remember we are all mad the mysteries disappear and life stands explained"
~Mark Twain~

I decided a few hours ago that i'd like to close this blog for good. I've removed it a few times in the past but this time i can wholeheartedly assure you that there'll be no more posts after this one. I don't need it anymore, it's purpose has been served, whatever that may be. I suppose it's all part of me being at the cross-roads of all cross-roads. At least that's what i think now anyway. That changes like it does with everyone else; all the time. Thoughts have this brilliant ephemeral quality to them which took me too long to realise is never enough. Life is concrete, joy is wholesome and pain is only what you make of it.

I have no idea h0w many people actually read this tragically verbose page but if you do or ever have, thanks for dropping by. Your time has been well appreciated. Go now and find a better way to spend your time. This site really doesn't matter. Few things do. Life's short. The fact that everyone's mad is an excuse to forgive everyone else and never one for our own usage. Wisdom of a 19-year-old; make what you will of it. It's happened so many times before for a plethora of reasons but as far as i know there really isn't a more comforting idea than the knowledge that you can just pick yourself up off the floor every time you trip. You might say i don't really know how hard you can fall to begin with. I say i'll worry about it when it happens. Risk is a beautiful thing.

While i'm at it i suppose i should also make a mention to whichever charitable real or imagined deity appears to be constantly saving me from myself. It's exhilarating how bright things feel here in Melbourne. I'd go almost as far as to say i'm lucky to have screwed up as bad as i did, with the timing that i did it with. For starters i know exactly which way not to go from here, scrupulously bearing in mind exactly how easy it is to end up there. On that same note, sometimes you get lucky. Melbourne is about as redoubtable a place as i could have ended up without originally intending to. Possibly even more so than where i had in mind. Another reason i should be grateful for the timing is exactly how bad it feels is as fresh in my mind as i could like really. That you just can not imagine.

I'm trying to think of everything i'd like to say here before i let the curtains fall. But i do think that's it. I'm nineteen and assuming i reach the current average i've got 56 years to live, and i honestly believe the first part's over. And i don't miss it. I'm not missing the rest that way. I'm nineteen years old, i'm alive, i'm bright, i'm healthy and i've got most of my life to look forward to. I suppose the best way i can think of to bring this to a close is to paste my favourite post here. Don't ask me why i like it that much; possibly because it was my first. I wrote this on the 22nd of October 07:

Chapel

He walked around the chapel five times without looking up, turned to check that he was still alone, and continued around the small, dimly lit room. The chapel was a rectangular room separated into two by a divider; the alter with five double rows of benches, and the adjacent space behind where the Catholic Society held its meetings. He walked between the rows, raised his eyes to the great statue of Jesus hanging majestically at the fore of the room, before raising his gaze higher to the ceiling and for the first time in 3 years, truly thanked the god he had long since failed to acknowledge even existed.

He reached for the bottle of water on the bench next to his school bag and drank a third of the water. It was over now. After 4 months of changing his mind, torturing it with images of the sweet girl with the silk like hair and the glimmering lips, he had finally admitted to himself how taken he was by her. And yet as he heard her words played superfluously in his head, the weight on his chest that had manifested there since had dissipated in a manner that left him both anxious and bemused. Anxious as he knew not how long this period of shock enlightenment would last and bemused by the presence of clarity altogether. He knew not whether it would even survive the test of an hour, yet try as he might to be realistic, he couldn't keep himself from rejoicing in the unmistakable feeling that was taking his body hostage- relief.

He turned on his heel and walked dazedly to the door, only turning back to face the gray statue of the Saviour he knew he didn't believe in. He smiled and exited the room.

goodbye =)